conversation with Chris

It was good to talk to my friend Chris tonight. He's so very grounded. Chris lives in a world of meant-to-bes and certainties, some of which I reject, but at the same time, he has insight, even vision, into the world around him sometimes that's really uncanny.

I didn't talk with him about the situation with OOMMA (the object of my misguided affection), but I know what he would say. He lives in a world of black and white, divinely ordained or not. I know I'm simplifying my friend's thought process, it's not that he doesn't think things out. But he wouldn't offer reasoned explanations or if/then scenarios about this - he'd just say, "It wasn't meant to be."

I had a vivid daydream, imagining me, standing below OOMMA's window, holding my stereo with both hands, wearing my my red trenchcoat and combat boots, doing my best Lloyd Dobbler, playing David Gray's "You're the One I Love."

And I'm proud of the little Kim in my head, fighting for love, putting herself on the line, I'm glad she wants to step into the fray. She's become a romantic hero, not a princess in a tower. Even my fantasy world has gotten liberated. Who'da thought?

Here in the real world, though, a lot other factors come into play. Roses and public humiliation are all well and good, but being patient when someone doesn't want to go at your pace...calling someone when you know they might need it, not just when you need to vent...letting someone change their life in positive ways, even if it means a little negative for you, that's the stuff of love. I've been so caught up in what I think I deserve or don't deserve, that I've lost my larger focus. If you love something, let it go? Yes, probably best.

Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug.

So in a rotten mood yesterday afternoon, and I made a few homemade cocktails to cheer me up. Unfortunately, the liquor selection at my Mom's house is less than it could be, so I was drinking raspberry vodka with apple juice. To quote Denise, "Kim that's not even ghetto. That is trailer park. You needed to be drinking that in your double-wide."

On Sunday night, Denise and I went to Westminster, where I practiced organ. The organ and I didn't really get along well. After that we went to a surprisingly full underground bar in downtown Westminster (I don't mean "underground" as in "underground hip-hop" or "underground scene", I mean you had to walk down steps to get to it). We stumbled upon a truly strange karaoke night. There was a guy named Buttons (?) who sang "What a Wonderful World". He supposedly sang in the style of Louis Armstrong, but it sounded more like he had a serious respiratory disorder. There was also a huge man introduced as "Lucifer" who sang the country ballad "I Could Love You Like That". My version of "Seven-Year Ache" wasn't exactly a showstopper, but afterward I got hit on by probably the best-looking guy there (that's not saying a lot for this crowd, but hey, I'll take it!), so I counted it as a success.

Hey, sometimes you're in demand, sometimes you're not. I'm starting to get some perspective here.

it sounds better in French

Here's a poem by Rene-Francois Sully-Prudhomme (how's that for a name?), that was set by Gabriel Faure. It's a popular art song for young college singers to do on recitals, etc., and I studied it at Iowa. For some reason, my voice lends itself toward singing in French. (?) It's been running through my head today. Anyway, it's quite beautiful, though it loses much in the translation.

Ici Bas

Ici-bas tous les lilas meurent,
Tous les chants des oiseaux sont courts,
Je rêve aux étés qui demeurent Toujours!

Ici-bas les lèvres effleurent
Sans rien laisser de leur velours,
Je rêve aux baisers qui demeurent toujours!

Ici-bas, tous les hommes pleurent
Leurs amitiés ou leurs amours;
Je rêve aux couples qui demeurent toujours!

(translation)
Down Here (or Here on Earth)

Down here, all the lilacs die
All the songs of the birds are short,
I dream of summers that last forever!

Down here, the lips touch,
leaving nothing of their velvet
I dream of kisses that last forever!

Down here, all men mourn
lost friendships or lost loves;
I dream of couples that last forever!

Operation: Learn to play the organ

Last week, I applied for a job as an organist at a Iowa City church. Now that I've been contacted by the pastor, I've realized that I need to complete an important step in the application process:
learn to play the instrument. Granted, I've taken a few semesters of organ. And I play the piano. But I'm not sure you could call me an organ-ist. However, I think that with a lot of practice, I'm going to be able to knock out a few organ pieces before my audition. Are ya with me?

fun trip

Here's an old blog entry I forgot to publish.


Moving crises aside, I wanted to share more about my trip to Iowa and Chicago. The cool thing about the Iowa part of the trip, is that so many of the kind of things I associate with my Iowa experience kept happening. For instance, the first night we were there, Jennifer and I accidentally bumped into friends of mine. We had gone out to eat, and were returning to the Wesley Center for the night (we were staying at Leeann's). As we went up the stairs, we heard music, and saw the main room decked out with candles, and I curiously peeked in. (Jennifer, who was exausted, headed on upstairs) I looked to see if I recognized anybody, because I knew that my friend Gail attends a tango group in the Center. Sure enough, she was sitting along the wall, dressed in pretty tango-appropriate clothes. When she finally saw me, she let out a cry of surprise, and I came in and crashed the tango party for a while. I told her that I meant to meet up with our mutual friend Marsha, and she mentioned that Marsha was preaching the next day at a nearby church. After catching up a little, I headed back upstairs, with directions to the next morning's destination in my hand.

The next day I listened to Marsha preach, and was struck by how utopian her little town is (Mount Pleasant, just outside Iowa City). It's a small rural town of liberals who eat organic food (well, I assume they were liberals, as they laughed at her Haliburton joke). It doesn't seem crazy to be an optimist in Iowa. She preached on the "Seek ye first the kingdom of God" verse. Marsha's sermons are always so thoughtful - they turn an issue around on all sides, and she never asks you to accept anything at face value. She differeniated beautifully between the concepts of having useful goals, and having goals that run your life. She manages to say something concrete without saying something over-simplified. What a gift!

That afternoon Jennifer and I went hiking, then checked out my old stomping grounds. In the music building, we ran into Aaron, a conducting class buddy. We later met up with a friend of mine, Matt, who had just been to the Russian music concert (which I had considered attending). He was with a woman from another country (i have NO clue which, her accent was hard to define), and when I told the story about seeing Aaron, she knew who I was talking about! These chance meetings, and coincidences seem to happen all the time in Iowa City. Plus there's always someone from another country to meet and an unusual concert to attend. Somehow, when you're feeling low, something surprising will happen. Like when you're feeling lonely, and are thinking that everyone has moved away, you'll walk up the stairs to the place where you sleep, and suddenly see an old friend, waiting her turn for the tango.

The difference between real friends and guys who want to use you

1)Guys who want to use you are always there for you, night or day, and call you all the time.

Real friends sometimes go away for a while, but eventually come back. Their words sustain you through the times when no one is there.

2)Guys who want to use you understand you in uncanny ways. With them, you can share your inmost thoughts and feelings, your bad poetry, and your deep dark dirty secrets.

Real friends don’t always understand you. You are sometimes embarrassed to show them the things you’ve thought or written, because they will give you honest feedback. You hold back some of your darkest secrets, because they have a high opinion of you, and you don’t want to lose their esteem. They don’t always get you. They don't always agree with what you do, but they always find a way to take your side.

3)Guys who want to use you inspire you. They fill your thoughts and dreams, and give you energy and drive that gets you through your day.

Well I was going to counter that one, but I'm not sure you can't find inspiration and love in the same place. I'd rather not get that cynical, yet...

dream

I had an interesting dream a few weeks back. My friends dragged me to my high school reunion. I was walking around, feeling sort of pathetic, and really kind of obsessing about my outfit, and feeling like everybody looked better than I did (prom all over again). I think there were some exchanges with people who made me feel inferior, probably guys? I can't remember that part. I remember that I spent most of the time chatting it up with the friends I came with. I didn't really talk to anybody else. I noticed a few girls hanging out by themselves, one girl especially, that I remembered being sort of an outcast in school. She was a cheerleader, and a beauty pagent contestant, and a soloist in choir. She was very beautiful, with super-curly blond hair, but she was ridiculously tall, a very large woman (not fat, but just solid). She had a big personality, a weird laugh, and though her talent, intellengence, and probably most of all, her determination, got her places, she always seemed on the edge of the social circles she was trying to infiltrate. She came to our school in her senior year, which may have had a lot to do with it. Anyway, I noticed that her eyes seemed red, as if she had been crying, when she passed me. I went to the restroom, and caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror on the way out. I was dressed in a formal dress, which was well cut, black, and simple, but slightly unique, very Kim-style. I had my hair straight and chin-length, with one sparkly pin in it. I was chatting with my friends in the hall. I realized that to one of those girls sitting alone that night, I probably looked like I had a lot going for me, lots of friends around me, a unique look, a confident demeanor. What you have, and how enviable it is, has a lot to do with where you look at it from.

complaints

A quote from a wise person: "It's hard to know what to do, when you know more about what you don't want, than what you DO want".

Please allow me a quick whine.

So I'm looking for a job in Iowa. Jobs in Iowa are a lot less plentiful than they are in the dc area. A LOT less plentiful. On the American Guild of Organists' website, there are 17 church positions posted in the "mid-atlantic" region. Of those, 12 are within 1 hr driving distance from my current apartment. In the "north central" region (encompassing much of the midwest and the mountain states), there are eight positions. Of these, NONE are within SIX hours driving distance from where I'll be living in Iowa. None are even in the state.

After much diligent searching on other sites, I have discovered two open positions near my new home. One is an organist position at a UM church I wouldn't mind attending. There are a couple of problems with this:

1) I hate the fucking organ
2) The organ hates me

The other position is working with youth choirs at a large Presbyterian church in Cedar Rapids (about 1/2 an hour away). There are problem with this too:

1) I'm scared of children
2) children think I'm crazy
3) Presbyterians are annoying

Am I too picky? I really NEED a music-related job, or I will go nuts. And all I'm trained for is church music, which is a complicated field to get into because:

1) It doesn't pay shit and you have to find a day job that doesn't conflict

2) You have to find a place where your musical skills fit their needs (contemporary service music director is NOT happening. )

3) You have to find a place where you can stomach their theology. (Otherwise your choir wants to sing anthems like, "Jesus wants you to tell everyone else they're wrong" and other favorites) One problem with smaller churches, where learning directors (read: not very good yet) can learn their stuff, is that those churches are often not very sophisticated in their philosophy.

So that's my rant. Adding onto this problem is that my MAIN thing is supposed to be composition, and working a day job, church job, and having a life doesn't really allow me any time to devote to that. I'm supposed to be done with the "working in the trenches for a few years" stage, by now, aren't I??

Luckily, I seem to get more optimistic when I'm in Iowa.

dream

Last night I had a tornado dream. I have recurring tornado dreams, some would probably say they're stress-related. This one may be I-watched-Twister-on-cable-last-night-related. Anyway in this dream, I'm at some kind of outdoor street festival, associated with a college that I'm attending (I am eternally in college in my dreams). There are all kinds of strange things at the festival, and many odd people. I am eating with friends from UNCG, and it is getting late. I meet up with some people for work, I think we need to find some people to interview, or do some kind of research here. The festival is closing up, and it seems like time is running out, that we were trying to do something while at the festival, and we're going to miss our chance. A lady I know (can't remember who now) finds me some kind of food to eat. The streets are wet, and there's ice here and there. The people I'm with are annoyed because I keep stopping to try to do things (at one point I want to help some penguins in a park fountain, that are trapped in ice, as if in a snow globe. They don't seem to think it's as weird as I do). The weather takes a bad turn, and we see a giant funnel cloud ahead of us. It seems really far away, but I sense the danger. In a way, I'm relieved, because I don't have to worry about my deadline anymore, just the present emergency. My friend Ryon (who apparently has been with us) and I branch off from the crowd, who keep walking toward the building they were originally going to. We feel the danger is immediate, and look for the closest building to go to for safety. Ryon says, "in here!" and I follow him into the vestibule of some sort of performing arts building, which is made of glass and steel beams. I say, "I don't think this is exactly the safest choice," but Ryon isn't paying attention, because he's watching the storm. As we watch, the tornado strengthens and weakens, looking terrifying and on direct course to hit us one minute, and as if it's about to fade away at others. At one point it seems to separate into two, like it would in a bad tornado movie (see above) but then it swirls around strangely and it's hard to tell if it's really a tornado or a bizarre cloud formation. Finally Ryon says, "You need to go to your meeting. Sometimes you have to do what you said you would do." I'm like, "but the tornado!!" The tornado seems to be breaking up, but it's still hard to tell. Ryon says, "Those people are counting on you, and you can't walk away". I realize that I've made the storm worse than it is, in my mind, so I can avoid my responsibilities. I go into a nearby room, where people from MENC are rehearsing for some sort of play. They're all running around in these 19th century costumes. A few of them say, "oh Kim, thank God you're here, we can't get this song down, and no one remembers it." I haven't practiced singing the song they want to do, but I know the words, so I try to teach it to them. The song comes out of my mouth, and I hear it, almost as if I'm listening from somewhere else. It's not perfect, but better than I expect, and they're glad that I can teach it to them.

it's not all about you.

Check out a post on my favorite blog, talking about evangelicals and their unhealthy focus on the individual experience.


http://slacktivist.typepad.com/slacktivist/2005/08/lb_everybody_lo.html

I'm Ms. Brightside

Bright spots in an otherwise miserable week:

Today:

Discovering putting cinnamon in chili. It reminds you of Christmas and pool halls all at once.

Yesterday:

Finally organizing my desk at work.

Thursday:

Talking to friends, who set me straight. The return of Meena, my favorite co-worker.

Wednesday:

Being able to surprise Stephanie for her birthday at work. She actually looked shocked. Yea, I love throwing parties! We're throwing a shower for another co-worker, and my mission is to make a CD of songs that include the word "baby" for it. This may possibly be the most creative thing I've ever been asked to do at this arts organization. Also had dinner with Carolyn, who also always sets me straight. A few laughs over a margarita do wonders.

Tuesday:

Saw "The Triplets of Bellville" which was really darn entertaining. If you're into seeing a weird French animated movie (you know you are!) rent this one immediately.

Monday:
Discovered that the place where I'm going to be living in Iowa was built in 1870, and used to be part of a brewery. It was listed on a walking tour of historic buildings, which made me feel special, for some reason.

Sunday:
Went to a nice liberal church down in NoVA. If that preacher isn't gay, I'm not sexy. Hmm, guess I'm saying it depends on your opinion...

Well, when you look at it that way, it doesn't sound like a bad week. And notice I seem to have an awful lot of good friends. I guess I'm just overly obsessed with finding a good friend with a penis.

I must be fine, 'cause my heart's still beating

choices

Today as I work, I am contemplating my future. My Future. It seems like such a big thing. The questions can be paralyzing sometimes, when we decide how to live our lives. But the questions become more paralyzing when we feel we don't have any choices that will work for us. Over this last year I've often felt hopeless, not believing that there is a place for me in the world at all. And sometimes I've felt as if I have a million choices that I could make, and that's paralyzing too.

The fact is, leaving a job, where I would be working with kids at a church, right before their school year begins (right before I begin), is wrong. Let's face it. My life is built on relationships with people, whether they be personal, professional, of familial relationships, my value is on people and how I affect them. To leave at this time would greatly impact their program for the negative. As I was talking to the Director of Music at the church, about the choices ahead, he had me almost convinced to stay. He talked about how they would have HIM take on the responsibility, and he was overcommitted as it was. He might have to just leave, because he would not take on that much of a time commitment. It was a serious reality check, thinking of how my decision could have a ripple effect that went out through many of the families of the church. I felt I needed to fulfill my obligations, for once in my life, be responsible for my actions.

But one thing's got me trippin (everybody sing). He qualified his concern about his own time commitment in this way - "Actually it's not me, but my marriage that can't handle the time commitment. The responsibilities I have at the church now have already strained it." I did feel sorry for him, but when he mentioned his primary relationship, it stopped me in my tracks. I've basically given up having a primary relationship to do this commute-work here -commute- work elsewhere life. I've given up going to a church where I love to worship, where I might find others who share my spiritual beliefs and drives. I've given up a lot for being a church music conductor, or at least, a DC area church choir conductor, and though I've loved it, and it's given me much joy, the sacrifices I've had to make for it have been great.

I blame a lot of things on place, and probably I should spend more time worrying about myself and what I do, than thinking about how to change places and systems. I've made a lot of bad choices here, and I could certainly continue making them in Iowa. There are toxic friends there too, and easy solutions that turn out to be worthless there too. But with an environment that sustains me, I feel that maybe I could make better decisions. Strange to leave home to find a safety net. But that's not really what it is - more accurately, I'm trying to pull the rug out from under myself, to shake myself into living in a new way.

Really, I could do either leaving or staying. My conscience pulls at me about this choir job, but my sense of adventure keeps tugging at my heart too. I'm glad this guy is acting to save his marriage, and his family. But at this point, I'm not sure that I don't need some saving too.

I'm a selfish person, I will admit it right to your face. I know I am, and I know the decisions I've made (or perhaps more importantly, HOW I've made them - at the last minute, after I've already made a commitment, etc.) have affected people negatively. It's not good to live just for yourself. But I'm not sure I'm doing anyone any good the way I am now. I've done a lot of things that I never thought I'd do this year, and though to a lot of people, they weren't horrible things, to me they were a big deal (i'm referring to a few cases of drunken stupidity, etc.) I've used a lot of "quick fixes" for my problems, and I'm tired of them. Is moving out west a quick fix too? Time will tell.

What do you think?

cancer

OK here's my beef -
There's a lot of things that are shown in studies to cause cancer. And, while some of those studies conflict, or may someday prove inaccurate, why do we ignore them? Why do we personally, and why do our health organizations, ignore this important info? Here's what we seem to know:

- processed foods and oils, such as partially hydrogenated soybean oil, cause cancer. Too bad partially hydrogenated soybean oil is in EVERYTHING, and there's been no movement to remove it. People are more concerned with removing carbs, which in moderation, are perfectly healthy little boogers.

-microwaving shit in plastic causes cancer. Yet TV dinners continue to be packaged in plastic, and covered in plastic wrap.

-living in areas with a lot of pollution causes cancer. Yet pollution is considered an environmental issue, not a health issue.

-genetics is a big factor. Not sure what we can do about that.

And I'm sure we know a lot more. My question is, why do we pour money into further cancer research, but not into steps to rectify the problems we've found so far? I'm all for research, but if we're gonna read the findings, and sit on our hands, those hardworking researchers might as well be developing more comfortable hospital beds, as we're gonna need them.

what doesn't kill you

I’m dating a guy
He’s cute and he’s smart
He ain’t very nice, but I don’t take it to heart
Two out of three aint bad

He’s got big blue eyes
And a cheshire cat grin
But mine’s not the only head
He’s makin spin
Still I know that I’m fallin, fallin again
Two out of three aint bad

He lives in my town
But his heart’s in another
I’m a friend of the family, well-liked by his mother
I’ll go to his house, and pick on his brother,
cause two out of three ain’t bad

If this was a movie…
Oh, let’s not pretend
It’s not a case of love meets “just friends”
Love lasts forever
Except when it ends
And two out of three ain’t bad

Honey, I’m a grownup, though grudingly so
I’ll settle for my makeshift Romeo
Someday we’ll look back on all this and say:
“We’ll always have Paris -
er…Maryland”

I guess I’m the loser
I guess I’m the laugh
But don’t howl at me till you’ve walked the same path
When your nights are lonely
Hell, you do the math