uh oh.

So, I've been trying to figure out for months now if I'm an alcoholic. I've gone a couple days without a drink and today is the first day I've really wanted one. I just feel wound as tight as a spring, and wanting to let loose. I feel like if I really do let loose, people will laugh at me. After all, if you're drunk, you have an excuse. Plus it deadens your senses so that you can't feel or see people looking at you or rolling their eyes. My mind just races constantly, and I keep thinking, thinking thinking, and so much of it just isn't any good. When I'm drunk, I think animal videos on youtube are hilarious, and bad music is telling my life story. I'm calm, I'm in control. Or I'm not, and I don't care. Mostly I just don't want to go to work tomorrow, and beer makes me forget about tomorrow. I thought I had found a job I didn't mind, but maybe it's a job a drunk doesn't mind.

Right now, I'm listening to the blues, to calm me down. But I keep thinking - what if this song is sad, what if I feel sad, how will I kill that feeling? There are people right now crying all over the planet and how I am going to help them my god how am I going to heal them? Even if I'm happy there's someone somewhere who's not so what good is it?

God, that's a lot of weight to bear. It's a wonder I'm not on crack.