TMI

Sorry to go in such a diary direction with this blog lately, but it's nice to have a place to put my thoughts.

It's been an interesting journey, trying (and succeeding, so far) to drink less. A couple of things I've discovered, and am very grateful for:

1)I'm allowed to make mistakes, and there's no reason to go home and drink myself silly if I do make them. I can even do something nice for myself, like watch a movie, after making a mistake. I'm worthy of happiness.

2)People can like me without my happy-go-lucky, fake exterior, that I used to keep up with drinking. I'm not happy-go-lucky. I'm a little bit anal about some stuff. There, I said it. People will have to deal.

3)I get along with way less people when not drunk. People are really, really annoying sometimes. I appreciate them in small doses.

4)Alcoholism is a working-class disease for a reason. I'm feel lucky to have a steady job and paycheck, but it's ok for me to want more.

Weird shit I miss about drinking

1) Falling down. My apartment is suddenly very easy to navigate. It used to be more of a challenge. I sort of miss the challenge.

2) Also dropping stuff and other motor skill challenges. I just opened a bottle of seltzer water, and it didn't spill at ALL! I let air out of it several times to diffuse the bubbles. It's like being some kind of GENIUS. I miss concentrating hard about doing mundane things. Like whether or not I have to go to the bathroom. And then deciding I do, and getting there just in time! It's like a race against NATURE ITSELF!

3)Thinking I am completely awesome for a couple hours each night. "Damn, I can sing!" "Damn I have a nice ass!" are things I used to think on a regular basis. I never went as far as to think I could dance, though.

4)Living in the moment, instead of some distant future or foggy past.

Things I don't miss about drinking:

1) Drunk dialing people. I once drunk dialed my boyfriend a million times when he was trying to talk to his boss. And threatened to kill myself for effect. Yeah, I was that girl. I also drunk dialed my long-lost buds, and probably made no sense, but hey, I kept in touch. I also once drunk dialed my GRANDMA. Who saw through that shit but was too polite to say so. I wish somebody along the way hadn't been so polite, a little earlier.

2) Throwing up red wine. Nough said.

3)Having a maintenance guy come into my apartment, and say, "oh, wow, looks like you had a great party."

4)Drunk crying. It seriously sucks.

To be continued, I guess. I wonder what the fuck step this is?

Confessions of a disgruntled state worker

One of these days, I'm definitely gonna punch out my boss. My former boss is on the list, too. Also, the person who just honked their horn in my parking lot. It's 2 am, motherfucker! And the people who make my apartment cost $700 a month. So I have to have this fucking job.

Yeah, it might be time to move on. Freakin money. Whole reason I moved to Iowa.

uh oh.

So, I've been trying to figure out for months now if I'm an alcoholic. I've gone a couple days without a drink and today is the first day I've really wanted one. I just feel wound as tight as a spring, and wanting to let loose. I feel like if I really do let loose, people will laugh at me. After all, if you're drunk, you have an excuse. Plus it deadens your senses so that you can't feel or see people looking at you or rolling their eyes. My mind just races constantly, and I keep thinking, thinking thinking, and so much of it just isn't any good. When I'm drunk, I think animal videos on youtube are hilarious, and bad music is telling my life story. I'm calm, I'm in control. Or I'm not, and I don't care. Mostly I just don't want to go to work tomorrow, and beer makes me forget about tomorrow. I thought I had found a job I didn't mind, but maybe it's a job a drunk doesn't mind.

Right now, I'm listening to the blues, to calm me down. But I keep thinking - what if this song is sad, what if I feel sad, how will I kill that feeling? There are people right now crying all over the planet and how I am going to help them my god how am I going to heal them? Even if I'm happy there's someone somewhere who's not so what good is it?

God, that's a lot of weight to bear. It's a wonder I'm not on crack.

Fatness

A friend of mine told me that he finally won his battle with his weight when he embraced being fat. I've decided to do so as well - yay, I love being fat! I'm gonna buy a fucking mumu and a tiara and be the queen of fat!! I wanna go out in a bikini so people can gaze upon my round stomach! It's actually fascinating to me how I can gain weight all in one place. There are 3 inches difference between my hips and stomach - who can grow a stomach like nobody's business? I can! I'm sure anyone reading this would think that I am being sarcastic but I'm actually fascinated with my fat self, in sort of a disconnected way. I realize our society considers fat to be bad, lazy, even a little wrong. (don't get too skinny, though, that would make you even more wrong) But it doesn't really bother me all that much. To watch The Biggest Loser or somesuch, I'm fat because I hate myself, or my mother, or my situation in life. But that isn't it at all.

I ATE A LOT OF GODDAMN FROSTIES. FROSTIES TASTE GOOD.

That's it, my friend. My stomach is proud evidence that I enjoy the good things in life (i.e. frosties). Now, I may lose a lil weight, but this time, it won't be for anybody else - it will be that I love this cute, fat little chick and would like her to live a little longer. And for now, I'm gonna shake my little round ass to this song on the radio. Oh, did I happen to do that in your direction, haters? Oopsie.