southern girls finish last

I was talking to this guy online today (he was responding to my silly personal ad), and he insisted that I look at his personal ad before chatting with him, so I wouldn't be wasting my time. I thought that was weird to start with, so I shouldn't have bothered, but I checked it out. He was good-looking, but it came off like a resume, touting his proud achievements. I read one line that was particularly bothersome, "Don't bother to respond if you're (listing of several bad traits), or extremely prudish." Dingding, red flag, I thought. I decided to be flippant, and wrote to him, "I'm extremely prudish, so move on." For some reason, I felt bad about my rudeness, so I explained that a guy who writes that most likely expects physical intimacy near the beginning of a relationship, and that I'm not about that. As you can see, I was giving out far too much info, but I felt bad about being rude, even though HE sent me a message.
He responded that he included that phrase (more like a contract clause) because he had dated several women who had an "aversion to sex." I was like, "aversion to sex? how's that possible?" He responded that they were waiting for marriage to have sex, even though they were in their late twenties, and that he thought that "was a bit much." I disliked his judgemental attitude, so I told him, again, "move on".
How is it that a teenager or a college student who wants to wait until marriage is respectable, but an older woman is not? Are you really "waiting" if you marry your high school sweetheart very young? Not that I disrespect that decision, but you aren't really "waiting" to have sex if you're just barely coming of age to do so when you get married. I know many women (more than I can count on my hands) who said they were "waiting" when young, only to change their minds later. Those who didn't make any such claim might have been looked down on by their peers (at the time), yet they grew up and probably had sex at roughly the same time as the ones who planned to "wait".
All I'm saying, is enough hypocrisy, and enough judging. Don't call a woman a slut because she has sex. Don't call a woman a prude because she doesn't. Don't praise a young woman for making a decision, and then call her a sex-aversive freak when she decides to keep her promises. Openmindedness is a two-way street.

Learned

Things that I've learned in 2004 (inspired by Elizabeth's financial lessons, and general musings about the year):

1) "Don't confuse your life with your career."

This was in a email-forward thing that my mom got at work, and sent to me, supposedly written by an old person looking back on her life. It's a good lesson for me, because sometimes I look at the the way my career has stalled, and feel like a failure. Or worse, I start to think of myself as "sales clerk at a pool store"! But that attitude comes from seeing myself as a title, or a category. I try not to look at others that way, and I don't think I should see myself that way either. I think that my career will always be a big part of me, but it's not the whole.

2) Take care of your money.

I've spent WAY too much money this year on finance charges, fees, etc. In order to be the independent, artistic woman "living from the tip jar" that I like to think I am, I need to conserve and be practical with my limited means.

3) Don't do things because you think other people would want you to do them.

Even people who have your best interests at heart don't really know YOU. Take the time to figure out what you really want. I'm not against saying "I SHOULD do this", because I'm not entirely opposed to the concept of duty. But take the time to figure out where the "should" is coming from, and if it's authentic and true.
Also figuring out where to go next and what to do takes time, and and there aren't any quick answers. It's hard in our busy world to not settle for convenient, watered-down spirituality. I actually read an article in The Other Side magazine about a communion-to-go tray some churches serve. You've got to wrestle with the questions for a while before you get an epiphany, or at least a little glow of understanding.

4) Falling in love is a dangerous business.

I'd do it again, but not in such a foolhardy way. I read bell hooks' Communion after my breakup, and liked many of the ways she defines love. She believes that love is a choice you make consciously, not a force that consumes you. I don't know. It's weird to feel regretful, and yet not, but that's sort of how I feel.

5) Real friends are always better than virtual ones (people you talk to on the internet that you've never met).

This won't really speak to anyone else but me, unless you're a bit on an internet addict too.

6) Be organized.

As a person who likes to "go with the flow" and be creative, I find organization to be kind of restrictive. But I find that if I don't think ahead and plan for the future, I end up with a lot more problems that restrict the creative "flow" than the actual planning does. My trouble is knowing where to stop planning. I tend to get on a kick and just keep going.