the wisdom of the aged

I watched a documentary on PBS's Independent Lens about life in a nursing home/assisted living center that deals with memory impairment/dementia/alzeimers. It was moving and very accurately portrayed life in these places (I worked in one for seven years, it brought back so many memories). It showed nursing homes in a positive light - so many people are afraid of them, and don't understand how well they care for the people within, because the dynamic there is so different from their own experiences. The best part, though, were the funny clips they ran during the closing credits. In one, the camera showed a resident who had dozed off during her interview. The interviewer tried to coax her to wake up - "Are you with me?? Helloooo? Are you there?" The lady, eyes still closed, declared loudly "I'm dead."
In another, they showed a conversation that the nursing home director (a young man) had with an elderly resident.
"Did you have fun?" the director asked, about a party or something.
"I don't have any fun" the woman said.
"You don't?"he asked.
"Nope. I'm too old."
"Oh, come on" the director said, "You can still have fun."
"Not the kind of fun you have" she replied.

Hard to believe....

There's now a stiletto workout. Don't skip the clip, it's hilarious. I wore 4-inch heeled boots to work today, you wouldn't believe how slowly I had to walk, maybe I needed some pointers from these folks. More like I needed my flats.

no compassion is wasted

Today at church, the minister told stories about people with marks on them of various sorts - some obvious in origin, like black eyes and hickeys, some mischevious, like dirt on a child's sunday clothes, some that told of hardship, like a hospital bracelet. She compared these marks to the mark of ashes that ministers place on congregants' foreheads in Ash Wednesday services, to stress the universalness of both. She told one particular story about her brother, who came home one night with his face flushed and tear-tracks on his face. She asked where he had been, and he said, "I just met the woman I think I'm meant to marry, and she's engaged to another man." An old woman in the congregation let out a gasp.

I was surprised at the reaction - how could an old woman who had no doubt been through many troubles in her life, had probably been through the many heartbreaks of parenting, who likely had friends dealing with more "real" problems like cancer, and the loss of faculties and freedom, be shocked and saddened by something like that? That someone so far removed from the situation could have compassion on the trials and tribulations of young people gave me great comfort.

It was validation of sorts - sometimes our meant-to-bes end up never-to-bes, and it IS sad. Her reaction has also reminded me that compassion can have great force even when it's not expressed directly. Ok, so maybe you're not on the front lines, saving the world, but when you feel deeply for others' sorrow, and express it in some way, even if it's just a sigh, gasp, or conversation with a friend about a tragedy, it can still charge the air around you with empathy. Maybe your expression of solidarity won't reach those directly affected by the tragedy at hand, but maybe it will reach someone else who needs it.

rediscovering the gospel (music)

I had a great experience at a church in a small town near Iowa City last weekend. The church service was really nice; very warm. People came up and gave "testimonies" of their experiences, the subject at hand was how we've been helped by our friends. People told simple stories about their friends at and outside the church who had assisted them in times of need, or taught them by example about the love of God. One testimony was given by the ex-wife of a good friend of mine; I didn't even realize it until after the service (I had only met her once, several years ago). She talked about her friends helping her through a difficult divorce. Thinking back on it made me a little uncomfortable - sometimes the world is almost too small!!

The best part about the service, though, was the gospel music. At the end we sang a song called "Jesus on the Mainline" (I think it's an old-fashioned telephone term), that I've been singing all week. It was so simple: "Jesus on the mainline, tell him what you want. Go ahead and tell him what you want." There was such a sense of faith about it - and an invitation - "go ahead! Jesus is standing by".

I think that gospel music is one of the reasons that black churches are so vital today, while some white progressive churches are floundering. It can preach the gospel on its own, even if the ministers don't know quite what to say. So many conservative religious folk lately misuse the idea of faith so much that the rest of us are left to wonder if it's a helpful concept at all. "Blessed are those who do not see, and yet believe." Some Christians use Bible verses like this to advocate bypassing the scientific method, to toss out reason and science. I've had many discussions with people who are agnostic or atheists who feel that faith itself is dangerous - if you believe without seeing, can't propagandists lead you anywhere?

But a life lived without faith (of some kind) is directionless. Why does gospel music work so well? Maybe because it has roots in the African-American spiritual, a musical form that was born out of the era of slavery. One of my favorites which Robert Shaw and Alice Parker arranged for choir goes "I keep so busy praisin' my Jesus, ain't got time to die. 'Cause if I don't praise him, the rocks gonna cry out, "glory and honor!" Ain't got time to die." How could people who lived a life so desperate, so barren, have this much assurance that in some way, all was right with the world? It's beyond comprehension. And at the same time, it's the essence of what Christians believe.

Gospel music is sincere, and it's personal - it's rooted in experience, and yet looks skyward for tomorrow's hope. Our challenge is to keep this kind of faith, in the midst of our struggles to make the world better, in our resolve to live DO SOMETHING lives, in the depth of our questioning, to hold onto the things we know.

sleet and dreams

Today it thunder-sleeted - we had a big thunderstorm all night that dropped massive amounts of sleet. It's accumulated into something that looks like snow, only it's made of tiny ice granules, like sand. It feels like walking in sand, too, your steps give way the way they do at the beach. It's very surreal, with the icy sound of falling sleet and white "sand" all around.

I had a dream last night that I was helping my friend Jennifer with her middle school play. They are doing an adaptation of Cinderella (this is actually happening in real life) but in my dream it was a cowboy version. So the big ball that Cinderella goes to at the end was actually a hoe-down. It was sort of cute. After we worked with the kids, I went to go see my old composition teacher from the U of Iowa, to get her ideas on a piece I was working on. I knocked on her door, but got no answer, though I could hear her moving around in the room. My composition teacher from my undergrad school then came out of a door at the end of the hall. "Don't bother knocking" he said. "Amy got fired today." I then realized that the sounds coming from her room were muffled crying.

It was sort of a revelation to me when my old comp teacher showed up in my dream - I hadn't realized I was still haunted by that old crotchedy ghost. And that he was head of a department where someone who encouraged and helped me had been kicked out, seemed telling too. Interesting how dreams shed light on the landscape of your mind. In the inner battle for Kim's outlook on her life, the wrong side was winning!

it ain't karma

Good things do not happen to good people. Good people make good things happen to the world.

WTMD!

I wanted to post a shout-out to my favorite radio station, WTMD (89.7 in Baltimore and other points in Maryland). It's an independent station - most of the music they play can't be heard on mainstream radio. They do play a few familiar songs (I was rocking out to a Smiths song on there yesterday) but a good deal of it is just-under-the-radar accoustic rock, folk, blues, with a little punk and soul now and then. The quality of the music is mostly high, unlike your basic college station, on which there's a good deal of innovation, but a wide variance in substance.

I felt inspired to write this because today the live internet stream went down while I was at work, and I missed it. I wrote them an email asking what happened, and less than an hour later I had a letter in my inbox explaining the system problem, and telling me to try again, because it was fixed. Maybe that's why they manage to keep going - they take care of their listening audience!

www.wtmd.org

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