choices

Today as I work, I am contemplating my future. My Future. It seems like such a big thing. The questions can be paralyzing sometimes, when we decide how to live our lives. But the questions become more paralyzing when we feel we don't have any choices that will work for us. Over this last year I've often felt hopeless, not believing that there is a place for me in the world at all. And sometimes I've felt as if I have a million choices that I could make, and that's paralyzing too.

The fact is, leaving a job, where I would be working with kids at a church, right before their school year begins (right before I begin), is wrong. Let's face it. My life is built on relationships with people, whether they be personal, professional, of familial relationships, my value is on people and how I affect them. To leave at this time would greatly impact their program for the negative. As I was talking to the Director of Music at the church, about the choices ahead, he had me almost convinced to stay. He talked about how they would have HIM take on the responsibility, and he was overcommitted as it was. He might have to just leave, because he would not take on that much of a time commitment. It was a serious reality check, thinking of how my decision could have a ripple effect that went out through many of the families of the church. I felt I needed to fulfill my obligations, for once in my life, be responsible for my actions.

But one thing's got me trippin (everybody sing). He qualified his concern about his own time commitment in this way - "Actually it's not me, but my marriage that can't handle the time commitment. The responsibilities I have at the church now have already strained it." I did feel sorry for him, but when he mentioned his primary relationship, it stopped me in my tracks. I've basically given up having a primary relationship to do this commute-work here -commute- work elsewhere life. I've given up going to a church where I love to worship, where I might find others who share my spiritual beliefs and drives. I've given up a lot for being a church music conductor, or at least, a DC area church choir conductor, and though I've loved it, and it's given me much joy, the sacrifices I've had to make for it have been great.

I blame a lot of things on place, and probably I should spend more time worrying about myself and what I do, than thinking about how to change places and systems. I've made a lot of bad choices here, and I could certainly continue making them in Iowa. There are toxic friends there too, and easy solutions that turn out to be worthless there too. But with an environment that sustains me, I feel that maybe I could make better decisions. Strange to leave home to find a safety net. But that's not really what it is - more accurately, I'm trying to pull the rug out from under myself, to shake myself into living in a new way.

Really, I could do either leaving or staying. My conscience pulls at me about this choir job, but my sense of adventure keeps tugging at my heart too. I'm glad this guy is acting to save his marriage, and his family. But at this point, I'm not sure that I don't need some saving too.

I'm a selfish person, I will admit it right to your face. I know I am, and I know the decisions I've made (or perhaps more importantly, HOW I've made them - at the last minute, after I've already made a commitment, etc.) have affected people negatively. It's not good to live just for yourself. But I'm not sure I'm doing anyone any good the way I am now. I've done a lot of things that I never thought I'd do this year, and though to a lot of people, they weren't horrible things, to me they were a big deal (i'm referring to a few cases of drunken stupidity, etc.) I've used a lot of "quick fixes" for my problems, and I'm tired of them. Is moving out west a quick fix too? Time will tell.

What do you think?