Every now and then, I re-watch one of my favorite movies, Wonder Boys. I seem to do this when I'm trying to make a decision or facing some sort of "block". Which is sort of strange, as movie-watching, especially watching comedies featuring Michael Douglas, isn't usually considered a spiritual practice. But there's one scene toward the end that always gets to me. Toby Maguire's character, James Leer, has effectively ruined his academic career over the weekend, and Michael Douglas's character, Professor Tripp, has hit rock bottom as well. They seem sort of at peace with that, though, as they attend an assembly at the school (the hall they filmed it in reminds me SO much of the hall in the Iowa Memorial Union, where I saw Kurt Vonnegut, Angela Davis, Coretta Scott King, etc.!) They've basically hit "nothing left to lose", so when James is recogized for a writing acheivement, and asked to stand, it comes as a surprise. The applause deepens in sound when Prof Tripp shouts out, "take a bow, James!" The look on Maguire's face as he takes his little bow is sublime - it stops just short of smug, and instead hits childlike joy.

Watching that movie reminded me again that all of the BEST things that have happened to me through the last year or so have come not by my ambition or effort, but by grace. You can't earn an afternoon sitting with Ryon by a pool, or a walk in the woods with Jennifer and Elizabeth. The odd way my choir members respect and hold me in high esteem, also seems much more gift than accomplishment.

One reason that this area still feels foreign to me, is that so many people are so driven and ambitious. While I want to achieve a lot, and strive toward the highest level of all that I do, it's not so I can validate myself by saying, "look at me, I sang at the Kennedy Center, look at me, I did this, etc." It's just that I believe that I'm capable of working at that level, and I don't want to sell my self short. The worship of Humility (alone) is a dangerous religion (God help the Lutherans), and one to which I will not belong. I do not wish to imagine myself to be something I'm not, but I don't want to let go of what I may someday be.

It's hard not to be vainly ambitious, as an artistic person in a capitalist world. There's so much self-promotion and marketing that has to be done, it's easy to lose sight of what you're doing. If you're like me, every now and then you take a sick day, to remember. :)