self-determination and freedom

How is it that the more I'm able to control my situation, from a money standpoint, the less free I feel to do what I want? As I get more stable jobs, I find I feel I need to dress and act a certain way to keep them. The pressure to be "normal" bothers me. Here I am on the cusp of a new lifestyle, where I'll be able to work with young people and follow my musical passion, but I'm wary of the changes that it will bring me. I can't fathom living in a $900 a month apartment, or shopping for fun, or doing any of the domestic things that seem to bring my co-workers so much pleasure. Or spending my free time watching reality TV (what IS it with the obsession with American Idol in my office??)

Hmm...I'm going on a tangent. What I mean to say is that I love being independent, but for some reason that independence seems to rob me of the ability to live a creative lifestyle. Maybe it's the fact that I do clerical work all day, but I feel like I spend such a small part of my day thinking about the things I love to think about. When I was dependent on my mother, I was able to go to school and learn and dream and pick and choose from what seem now like many options. Now I'm limited by what is profitable, and what can be sold. All for a comfortable place to sleep where I don't have to worry about roaches or mice crawling out of the woodwork. Tell me when this gets easy.

Sometimes, when I'm driving my car to work, (1 hr, 20 min), listening to a morning show, or some assinine pop music, I think....oh my god, I'm one of THEM. I'm the adult I promised never to be. I have no problem with responsibility (well maybe a little ;) but every institution I enter makes me feel like I'm part of a facist regime. I know that's bizarre, but it's true. I feel like I spend my life being somebody's bitch. Capitalism's bitch. Oh my word, that's the best band name EVER.