Sleeping with the "enemy"

"The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off." - Gloria Steinem

It may not be clear by the way I live my life, though I think slowly it's become more apparent to those who know me, but my views on gender and feminism are fairly radical. This causes me a big problem, for a big reason: I'm straight. Now you may think that sounds silly, but most guys I meet aren't particularly interested in feminism, and many disagree with most of my views on it. It's like trying to date a person of a totally different religion than you, who thinks your religion is sort of unneccessary and dated. Not only can you not talk about your views with that person, but they think those views are sort of a joke. It's a highly personal rejection.

The problem with sexism is that it devalues the essence of the person, much like homophobia. Religious people who say "love the sinner, hate the sin" (regarding homosexuality) are ignoring the fact that the "sin" is part of the essence of that person's being. The same is true of sexism. It denies a person's worth in ways that preclude the ability to respect, let alone love. It makes as much sense for a woman to marry a sexist man as it does for a black person to marry a white racist. Unfortunately, sexism is so pervasive in our culture that it seems to touch everyone, at varying levels. How can you have the deepest, closest relationship of your life with someone who thinks, at some level, that you are inferior to him?
Now none of my male friends come right out and say, "Kim, I think you're inferior to me." The messages they send are far subtler. A friend of mine once said that he believed that one of the reasons women are less involved in sports is that they get their period, and that since having your period "takes a lot out of you", women have more difficulty being involved in sports. I don't think I need to take much time debunking that theory; if Michael Jordan could score 45 points with a high-fever flu, certainly he could have done it with a slight cramp in his back, and grouchy mood. Arguments like this, that suggest women to be biologically wired against achievement, subtly reinforce the messages we've received all our lives about our "natural" inferiority. The same male friend, after I told him that playing the guitar is annoying for me because the darn thing hits my breast in an uncomfortable way, is now convinced that there are fewer female guitarists because the instrument isn't boob-friendly. Just another example of the way sexist thinking tries to explain away the results of years of repression with bogus biological justifications.
Now, granted, some differences between men and women are biological *looks down and notes her lack of penis* but it's difficult to pin down which are really biological and which are the result of cultural cues, many of which are so a part of our lives, we don't even realize they're there. (Read Carolyn's fabulous Newseek article which addresses that topic very eloquently:http://www.mrvmath.com/matharticle.htm ) And interestingly, the biological arguments are used most often when attempting to explain the power divide between women and men. The argument that women are wired better for multi-tasking is terribly convenient when explaining why more women are secretaries than engineers. The argument that men are from hunter-gatherer lineage rather than nurturing-family-oriented roles is terribly convenient when explaining why more men are breadwinners and achievers than family caretakers. In fact, it seems MOST of the "findings" about differences between men and women are power-related.

The problem with relationships, and marriage, with a sexist person, is that when you spend a good deal of your time with someone who thinks you (naturally) belong in a certain (subserviant) role, you start to believe it yourself, unless you live in constant conflict. Peace-loving gal that I am, I find that possibility difficult to stomach. And I've found that even the most enlightened men expect me to fill a particular role, if not in society, then in their lives. It almost seems that the "enlightened" men are MORE likely to expect me to do all the relationship "stuff" (keeping in touch when away, working out issues that arise, etc.) than the guys who put their sexist views out in the open. These men, though they respect my views, intellect, and insight, expect me to keep them in line, "challenge" them, provide a moral compass, keep them grounded, or one of many other exausting tasks that really shouldn't be expected of anyone (except maybe one's self). I've had trouble finding a romantic relationship that gives me energy and strength, the way my friendships do. Instead romantic associations have tended to drain and limit me. As a feminist, I'm already trying to be someone that society doesn't want me to be. I need an ally, not another adversary.