Choices, choices

In the interest of making an informed decision at the caucus, I've gone to see four of the Democratic candidates. I could tell you my opinions on their platforms and promises, but said opinions aren't expert, and would probably bore you to death. Instead, I'll give you an insider's view into the wild world of Iowa political rallies. The awards:

Fakest smile: John Edwards. I got his autograph for a friend, and was rewarded personally with a smile that could freeze lava. Seriously, I've seen more sincere looks on the faces of 2nd place beauty contestants.

Most likely to be fired at Sears: Hillary Clinton. The kind people at Sears allow you to clock in 8 minutes after your scheduled time of arrival. Hil arrived AN HOUR AND A HALF late. What if we had all been lawnmower customers, instead of political junkies? Another sale lost to Lowe's!

Most unfortunate hairdo: Joe Biden. The combover that just keeps going. It almost turns into some sort of snow-white mullet. It doesn't really say "I'm the wave of the future."

Smallest ass. EVER: Barack Obama. You don't ever really see the back of political candidates on TV. Be grateful.

Scariest supporters: John Edwards. One lady announced that the day she decided to work on the Edwards campaign she had the same feeling as when she looked at her first child. I'd never before seen an entire room perform a synchronized uncomfortable squirm.