I teach tonight

I teach tonight. I must make my lesson plan before I go in. Why does it feel like terror?

Last week I almost had some sort of panic attack before my lessons began on Wedenesday (hell-day, I call it - I teach five classes in a row) Actually I WANTED to have a panic attack, I got myself into such a state that I was dizzy in my classroom. I really hoped I would faint, because that would prove I was unfit to teach that day. But unfortunately (for my escape plan!), I pulled it together. My lessons actually went pretty well - I was calmed down by a kind co-worker, and then later by the sound of my own voice, clearly in charge, calm and assured. It wasn't how I felt, but by listening to it, gradually I got my s!@# together. Afterwards I took myself out for mexican, and had a beer. I was proud of myself for that too, because I'm one of those people who is scared to dine alone in public. Silly but true.

Anyway, I was really exhillerated by my triumph last week - basically that I didn't run away, and even did an ok job. So if I could manage to live through my second week, and act like a responsible adult, why do I feel just as terrified come this Monday?