The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth

Ok.

So I had accepted a position at one church, here in Iowa City, and turned down another. The position didn't offer much money, and it was working with kids. I was scared to work with kids, and also concerned about the drive (it was a little further down the road), and the pay. I made the practical choice, and chose the church here in Iowa City.

However, I attended a service at the turned-down church, the day I told them I would not take the position. I really enjoyed their service, it was the first time I had "gotten something" out of a church service (besides the ones at Wesley) for a long time. I'm not sure what it was - there was nice music, and an interesting sermon. There were both good ideas and a nice aesthetic to it. I started to have second thoughts.

The minister for the church in Iowa City called me, and I made a snap decision to take the position anyway. It made more "sense". I stayed home from my trip to see Elizabeth's wedding, so I could attend a service at the church and make sure I could really feel comfortable there.

It was a fun service, though not inspiring in any way. It was a special less-formal hymn sing service, so I couldn't really get a good feel. I spoke to many people about my second thoughts, but for most of them, the Iowa City church still seemed like the best decision. By default, the decision stuck.

That Friday, though, I was still having doubts. I went to a small chapel in town to pray about it, and talked to my friend Emily. Both these experiences led me to believe that the position in cedar rapids WOULD have been the better choice. But then I talked to my friend Paul, who pointed out that at this point, they would probably not feel comfortable hiring me, as I had turned down the position once before.

I went to church at the Iowa City church on Sunday, with a hangover (I think I drank the night before to anesthetize myself from the decision-making stress. not to mention boy problems :) ). The service this time was more traditional, but struck me still as too informal, too hackneyed.
On Monday, I called the pastor, with the intention of turning down the position.

The pastor was unavailable after I called twice, so I went to our meeting as scheduled. I brought my materials and met everyone. On my way there, I felt a strong urge to just keep on driving, but I knew I had to speak to the pastor face to face. My rehearsals were to begin this week, and I needed to do some apologizing for quitting so suddenly.

After the group meeting I spoke to the pastor at length about my concerns, and said that I was thinking about getting out of the profession altogether. I've told several people this, and I'm not sure if it is true. What I do know is that I promised myself that for my next church job, I would not pick a church where I could not worship.

He was, of course, very concerned, and gave me an "out" to turn down the position right that moment. Unfortunately, the group meeting had gone very well, and I have no other job in sight right now. I couldn't bring myself to say the words. How could I give up this great opportunity? Sure, I didn't like the worship, but there wasn't anything WRONG with it on paper! The theology is progressive, it's a diverse, "open and affirming" church (they accept people regardless of sexual orientation, which is important to me), they have large choirs with some good singers. How could I say, in a professional way, "Yeah, I'm not really feeling it." I knew that in my heart, but I couldn't say it to his face.

I went home and almost immediately got on the phone, to tell him. But he wasn't in the office. I had practice that night and wasn't sure what to do. About an hour and fifteen before practice, I tried to call the interim director, so she could lead the rehearsal or at least tell them I wasn't coming. I couldn't find the number he had given me. I searched everywhere. I did 411, and the phone book to no avail. The number that the phone book had said it was disconected when I called. I should have called the pastor. Instead I called the church office and left a message about "having a flat tire". Nothing like piling a lie on top of an already bad record. Then I turned my phone off and tried to forget about rehearsal.

Now the last part of that sounds a little crazy - but I'll give you my reasoning/excuses. 1) I was scared to shits of walking into a bell choir rehearsal anyway, let alone unprepared, and with the intent to quit directly afterwards. 2) I didn't want to lead the rehearsal, then quit. I felt like the choir members would feel that it had something to do with THEM, and I really didn't want that. I would rather they think I'm just sort of nutty.

And they do. The pastor called me today to make SURE I was officially turning down the position. He told me I should get some counciling. Which I thought was sort of patronizing, even if it is true. He said I should get some help for my journey, because sometimes you can't see through your own self-deceptions.

However, I think in this case, I listened to advice, and not my own heart. I hung on until I made a big drama that made it worse for everybody, because I didn't want to hurt people's feelings, or do something that they would think was crazy.

What do you think?