Why nice guys don't get laid
One of the top things I am tired of hearing men complain about is that nice men don't stand a chance with women - "It's only the bad guy that ever get the girl...the girl cries on the good guy's shoulder, then goes off to be with another bad guy." Now I will admit that there ARE some women who have a thing for bad boys, and that our culture glorifies them, and makes the good guy look like an unmasculine, soppy loser. This is definitely a problem. However, there are a lot of reasons BESIDES this cultural phenomenon that you, the nice guy, may not be getting yours.
1) You're not ACTUALLY a nice guy.
2) You're only a nice guy SO you can get laid (see #1).
3) You ARE a nice guy, but you have some other date-repelling flaw. A few of these are as follows:
a You are physically unattractive
b You don't get out much.....well, ever.
c You really REALLY like Star Trek
d You spend a lot of time complaining about how nice guys never get laid
*side note* Think about those women on Ricki Lake/Maury/etc. who say that they're so hot, that men are intimidated by them, and won't ask them out. And you're watching, thinking "You may be cute, but they're not asking you out because you're full of yourself." Yeah. It's like that.
4) You spend a lot of time with long-time woman friends, hoping that eventually they'll fall madly in love with you. Instead of going out to meet women who haven't already deemed you unattractive. (yes. they have.)
posted by Kim @ 4:01 PM
4 Comments:
I think you are really on to something here. You should write an article for Men's Health on this issue. On another note, why is it so important for people to "get laid" as much as possible? What ever happened to courtship and falling in love? If a man and a woman are in love, it solves problems #3 and #4.
dude if you ever try to post something for a public audience ,you should come up with some real fact which can teach others and or at list a little bit of logical sense. other wise you should just tell it verbally in a bar for your beer buddy's.
You might succeed in impressing them with such rubbish if they are an elementary school dropouts.
i AM a nice guy. i am looking ONLY for ONE life-long relationship. ONLY true love. i try very hard and try a LOT of different things, and i average one short-term relationship every couple of years. it's usually only short-term due to circumstances and i have remained friends with almost all of them. there's nothing wrong with me except that i'm nice, considerate, compassionate, and i don't use caps.
i am in a military special ops unit (as a support guy) and MOST of the guys i work with are complete and total jerks. women fall all over themselves around these guys because of their "i'm the biggest and the baddest" mentality. (i get along with them because we share the same zeal for protecting our country) it's always been interesting to me that i only wind up in relationships with women that i've offended in some way which is WAY out of character for me. i called one a lesbian and told one she couldn't dance if her life depended on it. so now, when i want a date, i walk up to a woman and ask "is your hair supposed to look that way?" yeah, sometimes it goes real bad, real fast, but it works. what NEVER works is "my name's jason, what's yours?" or "let's get a cup of coffee, i think i would like to get to know you".
1) i AM a nice guy. i have flaws like anyone else, but anyone that has ever met me knows that they can depend on me to be there when they need me. no matter who.
2) i will admit that i have a sex drive like a mack truck and yes, i pretty much think about sex all day. however, after going SO long between relationships, i have learned to do without. what i want MORE THAN ANYTHING is someone to give my heart to. when it comes to what i really want, i could care less about sex. it's meaningless. it's like a dull ache that you learn to live with. i'm only nice because i can't do anything else.
3) i have plenty of flaws, but:
a) i think i'm relatively attractive
b) i get out a LOT, just not to bars and such - don't enjoy that. i have my own business and i'm currently starting a non-profit. i enjoy several activities from hiking to novel-writing - and i network and socialize with people with those same interests
c) i never was a big fan of star trek
d) i used to complain a LOT about "nice guy syndrome", but after so long, i've just sort of gotten used to it. i've learned to be thankful for what i have and that this is the way i am - in some way, it is beautiful.
*side note* funny. i think i need to be MORE full of myself... a LOT of other people need to be more full of themselves. i think some people would actually STOP looking in the mirror - stop thinking they were fat, ugly, whatever else they think that isn't true - if they were just a little more full of themselves. MOST people i meet fall into the "beautiful miracle" category but they think so poorly of themselves that it makes them come accross as bitter and cruel. i have personal experience with this.
4) i do spend a lot of time with long-time woman friends, but it's because they listen. some of them are hot, but it's just weird to think about them "that way". however, it DOES concern me that they always go for the meathead bad boy. they come to me because they know i will give them objective advice. i couldn't do that if i was jealous of the other guy. i care for them and i know they will probably ALWAYS like the meathead bad boys, so i just try to help them have more control in their relationships and help them avoid the ones that are abusive or destructive. just because a guy is a meathead, doesn't mean she won't be happy with him. who am i to judge?
so, kim, where does a nice guy go to meet women who haven't already deemed him unattractive? women who won't think he's just being nice to get laid? and when i meet these women, do i just say "hi, i'm jason, let's go get some coffee" because that NEVER works - even if you kinda "warm up" the conversation a bit by talking a little while first. so, how is it done? how did you meet your significant other? i bet it was at school or work - so you already knew each other - you didn't have to really 'meet' cold turkey. so how does someone that works in an all male environment meet someone? do i need to go back to school? maybe there are a bunch of classrooms somewhere filled with 30-somethings... these are all kind of rhetorical questions since i really have found many other ways to occupy my time than trying to find my true love, but i am a little curious about what advice you would have...
ah.
i only fit 3b.
been told i'm attractive,and have great self-esteem about myself...except regarding women. i'm very technically (machine work) competent, and i do fine socializing if i know someone already, as long as it's not about a relationship or encounter. my built-in mental speed bumps generally prevent me from physical contact without obvious permission, and keep me from discussing subjects which could lead to physicality as well. girls do like my advice because i observe other men's behavior and stated motives and i can describe the issues i see there, but they rarely admit to being attracted to me after getting to know me at all because i'm such a wuss about aggressive approach.
4 is so far off it's not even funny.
i don't even have any women friends anymore, they've all moved away, and with no real skill at meeting people without being introduced, i haven't made a new woman friend in at least 4 years (she was introduced of course)
my lack of ability to connect with women on any level at all has me agreeing with the media image a bit... i feel like an unmasculine, soppy, loser. and then some.
in addition, you didn't mention that guys in general have to either:
give in to, fight, or ignore their hardwired male ulterior motive regarding women.
as an unmasculine, soppy, loser, i have also lost interest in socializing with male friends as they make me feel even wussier by their maleness, thus also losing out on the chance to be introduced to other women...
ah, downward spiral of events.
i really empathize with sokmunki.
especially the *side note.
it seems that generally the people all full of themselves are the ones who shouldn't be proud of it. oh, well.
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